My life is a staircase.
Each stage of my life is a different step, and each one gets me closer and closer to where I want to be. I started at the bottom step, and when I look back, I see all the distance I’ve traveled.
Sometimes I miss the lower steps. I look back and know exactly how tall they were, how long it would take me to cross it, and what it felt like to be there. I really like knowing what’s going to happen.
But when I look up at the steps in front of me, I have no idea what’s on them. I have no idea how long it’ll take me to get up this next step. I have no idea what’ll happen five steps from here. And it’s scary. I don’t like the fact that every step is new and unfamiliar.
A hundred steps from here I see a blur. I know what I want it to be. I know exactly where I want to be a hundred steps from now, and I really, really hope that when the blur becomes clear, it’s my dream come true.
But that’s a hundred steps away. Can I have some binoculars? Because if I could just see what that blur is, then I’m pretty sure it would make it easier to climb up the 99 steps in between us.
God’s been telling me a lot lately to take life one step at a time. It’s really tough.
My future is all black to me. I have no idea what’s going to happen in the next year- I don’t even know what’s going to happen in the next three weeks. And believe me, I’m scared of the dark. I really want to know what’s going to happen.
When I can’t see what’s going to happen, my mind fills in the blackness with all my fear. I’m pretty sure my future is out of control, and there’s no success or direction or accomplishment- see? Look! It’s all just black. There’s nothing there.
Or at least, there’s nothing I can see. It’s like I’m blindfolded, but I’m stupid. I think that just because I can’t see it means nothing’s there.
Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.
I hope for a lot of things. My dream is act in film. And I’ve had this dream for years now. Two years ago, I wanted to get into movies, and I especially wanted to be in movies by the time I was twenty. I never thought I would still be here when I was twenty- but here I am.
I’ve been complaining a lot lately. And believe me, there are plenty of things to complain about. I’ve got a lot of problems.
But I’ll always have problems. And I know that, but I really love throwing pity parties for myself. Being miserable is kind of fun at first. But- I’m starting to lose interest in being miserable. Now I’m just miserable.
I don’t want to get used to complaining. If I complain now, believe me, I’ll be complaining when and if I get what I want. My hopes and dreams could come true, and I could still be whining.
I really don’t want to be complaining the day I get in movies. I don’t want to whine when I’m cast in film. I don’t want to spend years acting on screen and complaining off screen. To put it simply, I don’t want to be a complainer. So today I sat down and started saying in my head all the things I’m thankful for. Not just “thankful for food, my family, and a roof over my head”.
I got specific. I made myself think about the positive things in my life. It’s kind of hard to do that and be miserable at the same time.
I am grateful that I was able to go to school and study theatre. I’m glad I have a job and that I can support a local business. I’m happy that I got to travel so much last year. And even though I’m not where I always expected I’d be at this age, I am thankful that I am where I am right now, right here.
At the end of it all, when I look back on my entire life, I want to see someone who enjoyed life, laughed a lot, and had a beautiful heart. I don’t want to see someone who complained all the time and was never satisfied.
Believe me, I’m not saying I’m giving up my dreams. My heart’s desire is that I can act in film, and I’m going to pursue that and work hard for it. I’m not going to stop wanting to act. But I definitely want to stop complaining.
So I’m not going to ignore my problems. But there are problems with every step of my life, so I’m saying goodbye to self-pity and climbing the staircase with faith.