We’ve been through a lot together, haven’t we? Sometimes I look back at all the things that have happened to us and wonder how we’re still standing. There are definitely times where we haven’t been standing- like earlier this year, when we were on the ground in pieces. Or ten and half a years ago, when you suffered your first blow.
You’re fragile. I don’t know why. Because you make my relationships stronger, stronger than I could even imagine. Yet one snip of the scissors, and you shatter. It takes a really long time to put the pieces back together. Sometimes I don’t finish putting them back together before you shatter all over again. I don’t know if I can handle many more shatterings.
It hurts when you break. So I keep you to myself, because every time I’ve given you away you come back in pieces. But the thing is, holding on to you and keeping you to myself makes you weak and unhelpful. How can I find the balance between letting you grow without subjecting myself to rejection after rejection after rejection?
One rejection makes me forget hundreds of acceptances in my life. Those rejections have taught me that if I give my trust to someone, they’ll abuse it. So now my heart thinks that in order to trust someone, I have to know that they’ll never, ever hurt me or betray me in any way. But that’s impossible, so my heart runs and hides- better to be alone and safe than expose myself to betrayal and pain. For years, I’ve been alone, trying to heal all these wounds.
But being alone isn’t working. I’m still in pain.
I actually did trust someone earlier this year. I really did. But then I found out that they had lied to me. Not maliciously- they were only trying to comfort me. But finding out the truth was much more painful, and the damage was done. How can I trust them now that I know they’ll say anything just to make me feel better? How can I trust anyone when they’re only human, and they’re bound to make mistakes?
I know they’re only human. And it’s unfair to hold everyone responsible for my feelings. I know that there’s only a few people who take you from my hands and crush you on purpose. But even when they crush you on accident, it still hurts me just as much. Maybe more, because then I have no one to blame except myself, for throwing you out into the world again.
How can I give you away? How can I trust that you won’t shatter? Because you will, I know you will. You always have, and you always will.
How can I trust that even when you shatter, that’s not the end?
How can I trust?
Trust, you haven’t been very easy on me. You’ve broken too many times for me to think you’ll ever be truly fixed. And even if you are fixed, I know you’ll never be safe.
But God didn’t ask me to be safe. He asked me to trust Him.