CINEMATIC APPRECIATION OBJECTIVE: I love movies. They are a combination of every art form- visual and audible, textures and colors and singing and talking and everything beautiful. So I thought I would take some time to fully appreciate the films that capture my heart the most.
Each film is scored on several different levels:
CGI (Computer Generated Images, or basically special effects): 0 being terrible and 10 being phenomenal.
COSTUMING AND MAKEUP (speaks for itself): 0 being inaccurate and 10 being perfect.
SCREENPLAY (script): 0 being filled with plot holes and 10 being flawless.
CASTING (even extras!): 0 being meh and 10 being EVEN THE PERSON ON THE SIDEWALK WAS IN CHARACTER!!!
MUSIC (soundtrack): 0 being a detraction from the film and 10 being an advantage.
And, finally, OVERALL FEELS (my fangirling emotions): 0 being none and 10 being I-can’t-breathe.
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, a young padawan become cooler than his master.
Or was it stronger? Can’t remember now. Does it matter?
Starring Hayden Christensen, Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman, and Chancellor Palpatine
CGI: 7 out of 10
I’m being gracious, considering that this movie is 7 million years old. There are times like this:
(Like what is this?? A video game?) But then there are times like this:
And honestly, I don’t notice that Mustafar is PRETTY MUCH COMPLETELY GREEN SCREEN:
But it’s a space fantasy, it’s allowed to look like green screen 100% of the time if they really feel like it. (They can do whatever they dang well please because it’s their movie and they’re not obligated to give us anything.) Honestly, though, even the most implausible stories have to be grounded in reality. We want to believe. So it makes me sad when even simple things like conversations take place against completely computer-generated backgrounds. So even though I can look past the occasionally dated graphics in high-powered action sequences, this movie has a few too many moments of character (read: conversations, backstory, emotion) against a CG backdrop. Therefore, 7 out of 10.
COSTUMING AND MAKEUP: Ugh, this is a hard one. I guess… 8 out of 10.
2 points off for this one, awful, terrible mistake of a costume that’s embarassing even to look at:
YOU’RE WEARING SHAG CARPET, LADY.
Apart from that and a few other Padme mistakes (seriously, they can’t walk the line between Space Senator/Queen and 70’s Shag Carpet* very well), the fashion is pretty fab-tastic. Jedi garb is a-okay and everyone has cool capes with dramatic hoods.
*LITERALLY GOOGLE “70’s Shag Carpet” and see what I mean.
SCREENPLAY: 5 out of 10.
Okay, this is a hard one.
I love this story. Anakin struggling between the dark and the light, and finally being drawn to the dark? The secret romance? Obi-wan’s training? The Big Final Duel That We’ve All Been Waiting For Since 1977?!?!?
BUT THEN THERE’S PADME.
I’m Team I Hate Natalie Portman’s Acting, so if you’re not on my team, beware.
“Anakin! You’re breaking my heart!”
“Then your love has blinded you?” (she says with concern)
You’re married, Padme. Why are you suddenly upset? Like maybe you’re afraid you’re actually ugly or something??
BUT WORST OF ALL:
“Hold me, like you did by the lake on Naboo; so long ago when there was nothing but our love.”
Yes, the lines aren’t that fabulous to begin with. BUT THE WAY SHE SAYS THEM. WHY. WHY.
So, there’s too many poorly written lines in this screenplay to ignore the affect they have on the movie. However, even with my enormous distaste for Portman, half the screenplay, and the sometimes-questionable-CGI, this is still my favorite Star Wars movie. Why, you may ask?
CASTING: 7 out of 10.
BECAUSE HAYDEN, THAT’S WHY. Anakin is my precious bean child. Hayden Christensen gets a lot of flack, but I don’t really understand because Natalie Portman is standing RIGHT THERE, PEOPLE.
I’m trying to figure it out, and I think the thing I dislike the most about her is her voice?? Like she could talk about texting at any given moment and it wouldn’t sound out of character. It’s so modern, so overly enunciated (yes, you can enunciate too much. Don’t believe everything you hear).
Then there’s Obi-Dad.
Everyone I know loves Obi-Wan like he makes the Earth revolve, but honestly, sometimes he bores me. Also, he never seems to win battles. AS A SIDE NOTE I AM AS FRUSTRATED AS ANAKIN BY THE FACT THAT THE JEDI SEEM WEAKER THAN THE SITH.
There are also a few extras in this movie that you’re like “Do you realize you’re in star wars, ma’am” but apparently they don’t because
“WELL I WAS TOLD TO FALL DOWN SO I FALL DOWN.” *mutters angrily under breath because can you at least pretend like you were shot with a blaster.*
ALSO, I HAVE HAD A REVELATION WORTHY OF APPLAUSE:
ZOE SALDANA AS PADME?!?! YES. I’m in. Who’s ready to invent the time machine and go with me?
MUSIC: HA! Do we even need to rate this?
IT’S JOHN WILLIAMS. It’s the most Star-Warsy it gets. He’s a genius, he invented the theme of the last FIFTY YEARS.
Bonus points for making a riveting, heartstrings-pulling, 15-minute long explosion of beauty for the entire epilogue of Revenge of the Sith.
500 POINTS to the man in the orchestra pit!!!
OVERALL FEELS: YOUWEREMYBROTHERANAKINILOVEDYOU IWILLGIVEYOURLIGHTSABERTOLUKEWHENHEISOLDENOUGH out of 10.
Sometimes the prequels can be treated as if “they were supposed to bring balance to the force, not destroy it”.
BUT THE PREQUELS ARE MY CHILDREN. Sometimes they’re my eye-rolling, painfully embarrassing children, but they’re my children all the same and all Anakin needs is a good long hug and a cookie.
BUT HE’S NOT EVEN REAL SO I CAN’T GIVE HIM HUG+COOKIES. *CRIES AN OCEAN* *DROWNS IN OWN TEARS* *REALIZES DEATH CAN’T EVEN REMOVE MY SORROW*