Cinematic Appreciation: Star Wars, Episode 2: Attack of the Clones

CINEMATIC APPRECIATION OBJECTIVE: I love movies. They are a combination of every art form- visual and audible, textures and colors and singing and talking and everything beautiful. So I thought I would take some time to fully appreciate the films that capture my heart the most.

Each film is scored on several different levels:

CGI (Computer Generated Images, or basically special effects): 0 being terrible and 10 being phenomenal.

COSTUMING AND MAKEUP (speaks for itself): 0 being inaccurate and 10 being perfect.

SCREENPLAY (script): 0 being filled with plot holes and 10 being flawless.

CASTING (even extras!): 0 being meh and 10 being EVEN THE PERSON ON THE SIDEWALK WAS IN CHARACTER!!!

MUSIC (soundtrack): 0 being a detraction from the film and 10 being an advantage.

And, finally, OVERALL FEELS (my fangirling emotions): 0 being none and 10 being I-can’t-breathe.

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, George Lucas realized that this franchise was extremely lucrative and decided to direct the prequels himself.

I don’t support that decision.

Star Wars, Episode 2: Attack of the Clones

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Starring Hayden Christensen, Natalie Portman, and Ewan McGregor

CGI: 6 out of 10.

You’re desperately hurting for some updated rendering technology, Star Wars. I know it’s fourteen years old, so I have grace for you. But still.

Sometimes

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it hurts

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my feelings.

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(On a side note, what’s with all the technology in these movies that completely disappears in 4-5-6? I get it, it’s 2002 and you feel like showing off your amazing computer skillz, but I NEED EXPLANATIONS.)

COSTUMING AND MAKEUP: 6 out of 10.

Can I divide this category in half? Like, the Good half and the Bad half?

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Some of Padme’s outfits are glorious masterpieces.

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Some are not. As you can I’ve cleverly used the color of the font to let you determine which costume is on the light side and which is on the dark side.

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I really don’t get it. It’s mind-boggling to me. I desperately want half of her wardrobe, and the other half… I WANT TO BURN WITH HOLY FIRE. Maybe that’s a bit extreme, but I wouldn’t be caught dead in that blue embroidered tunic thing. Especially if I was a former queen/current senator. As for the rest of the costuming and makeup, it was fine. I mean, you can’t really say anything bad about guys in boring linen shirts. I’ve never heard a controversial statement about it. I’m sure their outfits are very functional for all their forcey-lightsaber stuff.

SCREENPLAY: 3 out of 10.

Three! THREE! THAT’S HOW TERRIBLE IT IS.

First of all- ew, Anakin, please don’t be so creepy when you’re talking to Padme by the fireplace that one night. Second- Padme, WHY ARE YOU ASKING “What’s wrong Ani?” HIS MOM JUST DIED. THAT’S WHAT’S WRONG. STOP PESTERING THE DEAR BOY WHILE HE MOURNS. Third, “I don’t like sand.” Fourth, Obi-Wan, you don’t have to say “Yes, I feel it too,” as you run to the endangered senator. You could just run. Silently. FIFTH, are you long-necked Kamino aliens STUPID?!? It’s obvious Obi-Wan has NO IDEA what you’re talking about, but you decide to show him your bounty of clones anyway?!?

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Seriously, this screenplay is literally the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”Please, Wyldstyle, let me handle this. This screenplay is just… the worst.”

Okay, it’s not the worst-worst. It’s the semi-worst. I feel bad for the cast for having to act around such word salad. And one of the sad things is that this story has SO MUCH FREAKING POTENTIAL. The tragic love story?!? A queen and a jedi who are forbidden to love each other so they SECRETLY MARRY and then they have JEDI TWINS and THENHEBECOMESDARTHVADERICANTBREATHE

 CASTING: 7 out of 10

7 points for Ewan McGregor, Nick Fury, Christopher Lee, and Hayden Christensen (yes, Hayden Christensen, I’ll get back to that in a moment).

-3 points for Natalie Portman.

I. DON’T. UNDER. STAND. Why?!? Why is she held in such high regard? Have I just seen her in bad roles? I’ve never seen her in a movie where her acting didn’t seem considerably worse than average to me. HELP ME, PEOPLE. What?!?

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So, Hayden Christensen. I haven’t seen him in anything else so I can’t say he’s a ‘good actor’. The thing is, he’s not THAT BAD in the prequels. What I don’t understand is that people beat up Christensen for his terrible acting but I never hear anyone complain about PORTMAN. I mean, I think he does a reasonably good job, especially considering the fact that the script is garbage. I think he had to work around a lot of bad directing and bad lines.

MUSIC: 10 out of 10.

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Thanks, Johnny. It wouldn’t be Star Wars without you.

OVERALL FEELS: Pretty Much Opposite Of Every General Opinion out of 10.

World: Hates Hayden Christensen. Me: Loves Hayden Christensen.

World: Shuns Prequels. Me: Accepts Prequels.

World: Loves Natalie Portman. Me: Hates Natalie Portman.

The thing is, this movie is so Star-Warsy I can’t help but love it. Even though when I watch it I skip like half the movie because I’m bored. But even the sometimes face-palm-inducing prequels can’t ruin the Star Wars Saga for me.

And Across the Stars is officially the most played song in my iTunes.

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